Monday, May 28, 2012

Pineland 25K: In which we outrun Sasquatch?

Back in the day (and by "in the day" I mean about 6 weeks ago...) I had zero desire to even attempt to become a trail runner. Seemed like an all around BAD choice for someone with my, shall we say, limited coordination. Does everyone remember how this went down? Let's refresh. I got a text from Danielle, my super famous, big pimpin and generally badass friend of Ooh Breathe, Just Breathe.
She suggested a trail race and kicking, screaming and protesting I basically jumped on that shiz like it was my job. I blame her for the pain and suffering (just kidding dude, you rule!)

Pre Race Pizza party. What happens when runners/bloggers get together?

OK. This actually deserves a moment. First of all, I was appallingly late, I am a tool. Super fun group of people though, pretended like I was right on time and didn't throw me into the bay...
Confusing/hysterical moments in order of mayhem content:
-Middle school girls dressed in postage stamp sized shorts raving on and on about "the place with the hayoooooge ice cream cone that gives you FREE ice cream on your birthday!! (damnit, why isn't it ever my birthday when such things are discovered...??)
-Which led to "What's your TWITTER HANDLE?
-There might have been some knife wielding that made me fear for my life.
-And of course (and Danielle, you're the only one who gets this.) CLAIRE! CLAIRE!!
Ahem. I laughed so hard that my abs hurt. Which reminded me that I could stand to do a few crunches.

The good news is that we all survived the pre race shenanigans and made it to the next day.

961 & 962, BIG pimpin!
Showing a little leg in the name of scantily clad running..

Right at the start our friendly race photographer blessed us with his presence! and scared us a little by creeping up on us and photo bombing our pic. Way to go Andy (just kidding!)

It was a damn nice day, as you can see. We got Mom-ed like crazy at the start (which rules, I need a Mom ALL THE TIME to take care of my needs. thanks moms!!) I got sun screened, bug sprayed, pre-hydrated- it was awesome. We also had a tent to stash our stuff in. Basically, it was like tailgating, but cooler and awesomer because runners are fab like that. Eric & Andy showed up (eventually...) to offer moral support, take pics of our amazingly fast and undeniably stunning selves and to give us someone to pick on. Which we did, mercilessly...

I started off at what felt like a semi conservative pace and right away could tell that this was no freaking road race. There was all kinds of crap under my feet! (rocks! roots! grass! the nerve!)
To add to the general weirdness of the start I had an epic blundering slightly challenged moment... I ran by what I thought was the 1 mile marker and almost had a small stroke because it came up so damn fast. My thought process: "oh my god stupid woman. wtf? conservative start my ass! slow the eff down now, NOW!!" And yes, several kilometers later I realized my rookie move and gave myself a righteous PALM FOREHEAD. (I shouldn't admit to these things on the interwebs.)

I hated the world so much right here. Wanted to punch running in the eye.
Instead, I gave poor Andy the very angry finger. VERY angry.

And why in the hell was I so angry? I'll list a few reasons:
-So many hills. I knew about them but they still angered me.
-Hay fields. Which were oddly slanted making me feel like I was running with one very long leg?
-Yucky dry mouth. bleeeeech.
-Running alone for miles and constantly fearing getting lost and eaten by Sasquatch
-I was quite certain that I was running 14 minute miles. This angered me more than anything!
-and because I'm just one grumpy, grumpy woman. obvsssss

After flipping Andy off I ran away super fast because I was afraid he was mad.

Apparently he shouted to me that I was in the top 10 women at this point but I couldn't hear him due to my insane level of trail running rage. I mean headphones... Whatev.
Oh, and this is Andy's Blog go read it, you'll thank me.
I ran for what felt like a very long and unreasonable time. all by myself for most of it with enough spooky loud crashing in the woods to make me honestly nervous that there WAS a damn Sasquatch, Yikes. And all the while swearing to never do such a foolish thing again. And, because running never makes sense I was also secretly having a kind of good time (when there were no hills or patchily mowed hay fields in my damn way.) I thought over some big life things! Sang a few 80's power ballads to myself, and then.... Tripped and rolled my ankle over AGAIN at mile 11ish. This turn of events did not thrill me. But I ignored it and hobbled on. (and kids at the last aid station, I love you guys even though you did not have any legit painkillers or beer to give me. thanks for the Gatorade and compliments on my hairstyle/general awesomeness. too bad you were all about 12...)

Thank you Baby Geezes!! The Finish!

Jazz hands were not my first choice but I refrain from obscene gestures when children are present.
I ran thru the finish SO happy to be there, gave my ankle a little flex, cramped up my calf and basically stumbled, hip-hoppidyed thru the finish like a doofus, damn I am smooth.... I whined for a very, very long time and then felt better and manned the eff up.
Official time was 2:07, 68th place overall and 9th place woman. Usually an 8:11 pace would make me want to shoot myself in both feet and hang up my running shoes for good but I am ok with it. Something about trying not to die/fall/become lost in forest makes me feel alright about being slow as shiz...
Andy said to me at this point: "Danielle hates her life and says she's never doing this again" Me: "Shit, is she ok?" Andy: "yes but she says this sucks. she's a few minutes behind you so let's be lazy and sit in the shade and completely ignore who might be running thru the finish" (I took a bit of poetic liberty there. but you get the point)

WORST FRIENDS EVER AWARD: Goes to Andy and Me... We completely missed Danielle's finish because we are assholes. No other excuse. Sorry Danielle, I am glad you are still speaking to us, it won't happen again (until the next 80 degree day that we run and the shady spot is far from the finish, that is... I kid, I kid!!) Good thing Eric was there to get pics like a boss....
And on a side note: Danille looked pretty fab for somebody who was hating life so much, seriously! I can only hope that I look so stylish and run so fast next time I'm cussing out life the way she was. :-) Jeesh...

Best part of the whole day! Being DONE!
And, planning to do it again next year. Duh...
Beer: WHOOO! Style: WINNING!!

This sums up the feelings.
But honestly? We both secretly loved it. We are crazy crossed with awesome.

We then ate the most healthy lunch ever because we are legit athletes.
That's my plate on the right. 3 cookies.
And one tiny, creepy m&m. We have no idea how it got there. BARF.
We shared this feast with Andy who was later found passed out from starvation. What a wuss..

Danielle, Me and that guy named Doug, John or Shawn. Dude! I suck!
He was crazy fast though so way to rock it Doug/John/Shawn.

The moral of the story for today: Despite Danielle's legit proclamation that a Zombie Apocalypse would have been preferable to the run thru those psycho slanted hay fields we kinda started planning more trail running after 1 beer and 6 minutes of rest. What is WRONG with us? (please don't answer that.)
Despite my moaning and wailing I had a good time beating the crap out of myself running away from the Sasquatch that inhabit the woods of New Gloucester. I had a better time drinking beer and hanging with cool running friends post race but that is such an obvious statement... But! Yes, I'd do it again. Just. Not. Today!

Thanks to Eric & Andy for all the excellent pics and basically being awesome and taking so much shit from us all day long. :-)


  1. ummm duuuuude. i get claire tooo!!!!!!!!! way to rock it!!

    1. HAHA that's right you DO! CLAIRE!! Claire?? CLAIRE!!

  2. im going to have to read this about 4 more times just so i can relive all the awesomeness (and seriously, im DYING reading this...). we are awesome, and thats all there is to it....

    1. OMG we are SO awesome! People say that to me all the time and I just nod smugly in agreement :-)

  3. You ARE awesome!! Congrats on such a great run. I might hate you for your fast (to me) pace if you weren't so damn funny.
    Ever since I met Sasquatch giving high-fives at Grandma's marathon finish line and later handing out beef jerky, I no longer fear him. I'm pretty sure if I see him again, he'll remember that I like the teriyaki kind. My fear while running in the woods is that I am going to be trampled by a pissed off moose. I live in Minnesota. It could happen.

  4. You are so hardcore! I love it :) What an awesome race. I think I'd love trail running. I always go to the trails to run anyways ;)

  5. You rock!!!!! I laughed so many times reading this post slut!! Xo this is jlo btw


    I love trail running, but I've never done a trail race.