Friday, August 9, 2013

You are not me, but if you WERE!

You are not me, but if you were...
Duh, you'd be awesome.
Every now and then people ask me for suggestions on how to train, eat, recover and maintain a sleek, well groomed physique (ahem.) Since I am clearly an expert on all these things I am happy to help them out with wise words of wisdom and brilliant suggestions which stem from my years of expertise in all things running. And life.
Yes I am making fun of myself.
However, I do feel fully qualified on how to make myself as awesome as I can be. Pshhhh YES INDEED! Taking that into *serious* consideration I have compiled a list which should really help the rest of the world reach its full and amazing potential (at what, we are not sure.)
Read at your own risk. This is an awesome post.

You are not me, but if you WERE!!!
You would take compression, and matching, seriously!

No lie. During this epic training cycle I relied heavily on compression. I only use it for recovery but from socks to shorts to full on dead sexy pants I rocked it the eff out. And I am 100% convinced that it aided my recovery time significantly. This is actually a very helpful tip. Maybe the only one. I am not committed to any one brand of compression- pro compression has been sucky in the sizing department lately, Zensa's are almost always too big, 2XU is fine but costs ten thousand dollars... You get it. I don't have a favorite.
I also have a very cute dog. Too bad he is not too bright.

You would also.... Recover with BEER!!!

I will never run for team refuel with milk products. I can not imagine swigging down a creamy vat of dairy post race. BARF. After I chug some high quality h2o I grab a beer. Or two, apparently. Never more, because I am blindingly responsible and wish to be a fine role model for the youth of America. Which I am because it is practically un American to run a race and not to drink a beer, eat pizza, bacon and ice cream immediately thereafter.

I am a wonderful healthy eater and you should be TOO!!!!
All I can say to this is "YES PLEASE!!!"
Too bad I can NOT eat donuts before running. *sad face*

If you were me, you would buy your actual running food in BULK.

After years of searching for the correct nutrition for running I found it in these amazing little nuggets of happiness. If you have a picky belly get some damn picky bars. They are like magic for your mouth. And your GI tract. The unbelievable bonus is that they are delicious like candy and fabulously easy to eat and calorically dense and they have REAL ingredients. BIG FAN!
(this is another helpful tip which brings us to TWO! Success!!!)
If you were as much of a beast as I am...

You would learn to change your own tires. It beats waiting for help!!! (I'm not going to share my skills on HOW  to change a tire but it is actually as easy as picking up the manual... And practicing a few times. Even if you don't want to, haha...)
And those tire irons are really good weapons, should your Ninja skills fail you.
(FYI, my Ninja skills never fail me. But it is good to have a back up plan...)

If you were as fashion forward as THIS GUY!

You wouldn't always wear running skirts. But when you DO they would be Oiselle bum wraps and they would be awesome.
I am not a running skirt girl AT ALL NOT NEVAH!!! But I make exceptions for this one. It is all kinda functional but most importantly it is cute without being all frills and fluff.

If you need a little nap like I DO....

Apparently you would lie down in the sun and take a cuddle nap with your BFF. What can I say? We were a little tired. She has a super new baby and is Half Marathon training like a BOSS. I'm just lazy. That is all...

If you, UNLIKE ME, had a crazy streak...

You would HIDE your 50K race medal and fabulous extras. Because if you did NOT hide them they might be a constant reminder of how (if you were CRAZY) you might really want to do another 50K someday as legit redemption. Clearly, this is NOT a problem for me as I would never want to do such a crazy thing ever again. Ever. Yeah, that's right!
That brings us to the end of my amazing and helpful lecture on how to get better in all aspects of life. I am sure that this will be much appreciated by the entire internet and that everyone will eagerly await my next installment!


  1. I love your random posts. I do love Picky Bars and they are perfect for the sensitive GI. I need to be like you and buy them in bulk too!

  2. You had me laughing out loud, for realz. I love Picky Bars and just ate my last one this morning.sad. I am thankful to know about the tire iron but also hopeful that my ninja skills will not fail me.

  3. Don't forget your amazing prowess at selecting Exclusive Dating Partner Fiance Future Husbands! You are totally the best at that and have picked the best one of all time ever! Just saying. Totally objectively of course.

    1. i feel like i should get SOME credit here. * grumpy angry face for zero recognition *

    2. Hahahah! don't worry, you get credit all the time IRL :-) So basically, I have the best taste ever in picking out friends who then happen to bring along other friends who then I happen to really like. Yay!

  4. I'm with ya on the compression. I only have socks so far, but they are miracle workers! I've never tried Picky Bars but they are on my list now.

  5. i need to try these picky bars i think. also, your dog and my dog should get together and chill. my dog is VERY not bright. maybe they can help each other somehow.

    1. If our dogs got together I bet they would smash everything with their big dumb dog chaos. UGH!