Bradbury Mountain Bruiser 2018 (Summer goal of becoming a BADASS achieved!)

Well, considering that I managed to check off my goal of reaching "badass" level at this event, this certainly is a delayed reaction post.

Several weeks ago (September 9th, to be exact) on what I believe was the first day of the year cooler than 90 degrees, Eric and I tackled the infamous Bruiser.

How quickly it goes from 90 to 40. And back to 80.

This is a tricky 12 mile race, on the"non mountain" side on Bradbury State Park. Don't let the "non mountain" statement trick you- it is a winding, rolling course, that finishes up on the rather dreadful "O-Trail". A trail so menacing, that it looks like intestines when you look at it on Strava. Gross.
This race always measures short, but it because it is LITERALLY so twisty, that no GPS in its right mind can keep track of what you are up to.

So. The day arrived. THE BIG DAY! I was not feeling fit at all. I really broke up with running this summer (temporarily... we were just on a break) and I was wondering how 12 miles would feel to my out of practice legs (spoiler: not great.) Regardless, I was determined to complete the race and collect my prize. I was NOT going to let the Badass sweatshirt escape my grasp, even if it meant I had to crawl, gasping and sobbing to the finish.

( you might be saying ....all this drama for a sweatshirt??..... and I will answer. YES. YES!!!!!!........)

Shockingly... We were quite late to the start and had to run to get there on time.

We are running to the start. But there's always time for me to take a pic!

Luckily, we made it in the nick of time. We started and made sure to be closer to the front of the pack than last year.
Which makes perfect sense, when one is in absolutely dreadful running shape!

But listen, what happens on the very narrow trails is a complete bottleneck. And if you are in it, you are IN IT. So we avoided it and were happy.

We ran mostly alone for quite a while. The weather was nice, we were winding and twisting around the trails, hopping over roots, and generally having a good time.

ALOOOOOOOOONE

The thing about a 12 miler, is that eventually you aren't going to be super happy if you haven't been running more than zero miles at a time.

Overall my suffer score was moderate. MODERATELY HIGH. (JK. it was only moderate)

I had some really unpleasant stabby left ankle pain for the majority of the race. It was pretty nasty, but I am pleased to say that I haven't had any issues with that since (but I also have not been trail running since.) So who knows what that was about, but it was distracting, ouchy, and stupid.

Eric and I ran together until just before the O Trail, when I went somewhat ahead in an effort to run with some people who we had met the previous year. They clearly had been training more that I had, and I was not able to keep up with them.

But... I was lucky enough to find someone to follow through the dreaded labyrinth of the big dumb O.
Basically, on the O Trail,  you run around and around, and back and forth, and up and down until you get dizzy (all to the tune of "if you're happy and you know it." you think I am kidding, but I am not.) It's bad enough to run it with people to draft off of- and would be miserable to run alone. I was very, very glad to have a leader.

THIS IS SHIT (photo cred to Eric)

And then. 2:05:49 later, I was done. Thank the lord!
Sweatshirt in hand!! A real, honest to god badass!!!

A pair of badasses

And shockingly, inexplicably and undeservedly I was about 25 seconds faster than last year. I attribute that solely to the avoidance of the bottleneck in the first mile, and nothing more (because seriously, I ran about 13 miles in September. 12 of them on this day...)

I'm looking forward to doing this again next year. I REALLY love the Trail Monster races, and think that they are a great organization and that they put on really special events. If I ever decide to woman up and run summer miles, I would love to do the October ultra that they host. I feel like if a 12 miler is this much fun, a 30 miler would be even better (with better fitness.. and a non stabby pained ankle!)

The most remarkable thing about this race is that I did not fall!! (miracles do happen)
The second most remarkable thing is that it was a cool day (this summer was a pain in the ass)
And the third most remarkable, is that one can actually run 12 miles without practice. Although I do not really suggest this!

A week of my workouts!

Hello again from a bad blogger.
Ya know, I think most of the world will agree that when you work a ton of hours, then add some kickass marathon training into the mix sometimes blogging has a way of falling off the priority list.
Whoops.

I have had some questions via email from my loyal fans asking about my training leading up to Smuttynose in October. Last week was a pretty solid, pretty typical, and also manageable week in my training log so I'll share!

Monday: Off, Tuesday is typically my day off but I actually had a chance to rest up for a couple hours today. Hit the comfy chair, slip into some sexy little compression socks and drink a beer. Recovery of the champs right there kids! (Monday is usually my Yoga day- but the Holiday messed up that plan!)

I am slowly changing my feelings about yoga. I yoga first drink second!!
And don't worry. I'm not turning into one of those bloggers who relies heavily on cartoons....

Tuesday: Track workout! I had 4 800's on this that were to be done in the 3:20 range. While this is a decent enough workout I also felt it was within my comfort zone. I did the repeats in 3:18, 3:16 (then had to dash off the track and move my car because the lot was being swept...) 3:23, 3:16. So all within the correct range. A total of 7 miles on the day.

Round and round.

Wednesday: 20 miles on the bike. This took about 1:15 and with the hills we have in the area was a good ass kicker. I also did 30 minutes of core (if anyone wants to know more about my core routine holler, until then I'll assume that reading about core is like watching paint dry.)

Giving Fiona a workout...

Thursday: 6 miles at base pace (mid 8's) with some drills thrown in. I call it prancercising... And it amuses the people of my town to no end. I also did 30 minutes of core and 20 minutes of foam rolling. This falls into the "easy day" category.
Then I did a really quick fashion show and pranced around like a boss in my pimpin' new Oiselle Kit.

Badass.

Friday: Negative split 10 miler. started off easy in the high 8's. Made it easily into the 8:15 range by mile 4, cranked it up for an 8:06, 8:00, 7:35 for my final 3 working miles. It was solid, but I felt great throughout. Hit up the foamroller for about 20 minutes post run.

Saturday: Had to make this my long run day instead of Sunday due to some scheduling stuff. 19 miles in 2:47 in cool, damp weather. Nothing exciting to report, I have had a string of decent long runs and I am going to quietly enjoy this and try like crazy not to jinx it! I finished the day with compression, foamrolling and some serious snacks.

Sunday: Was supposed to be an hour easy bike. My Bestie needed a little long run company so I slapped on my shoes at 4:30 AM and headed out for a gentle 8.5. My legs appreciated the shake out and it was a good way to finish up my week!

So there my friends is a week of marathon training. Not as high mileage as some of you fast types but still a good effort from my vantage point. I think I ended up with 51 miles which makes me feel happy- that's my perfect get fit but don't die marathon training mileage total.

Rev3 Quassy, HEAT! HUMIDITY! HARD HILLS! Part 2

So as expected the alarm went off at 4AM and Eric and Andy were instantly READY TO GO!

We told them to do just that as we needed 5 more minutes. Boys...!!

The first stop was coffee at Dunks, although we were clearly tempted by the fanciness that is McDonalds which was right across the street. Barf...

 

 

Brilliant FB post inspired by the grossness of Mickey Dees..

We noticed that the temp was already 72 degrees. "How can THAT be good??" Kate mused..

Shortly thereafter traffic came to a screeching halt.

Apparently leaving 5 minutes after the super twins did NOT pay off. They hit NO traffic!

 

Awwwwwwww shit.

Fortunately we had plenty of time and the traffic actually moved pretty smoothly along. Definitely a plus for the location- plenty of parking. And plenty of porta potties and a REAL bathroom for those of you who indulged in a McTriple...

One of the first things we noticed when we arrived was a very enthusiastic cheerleader of a guy, dressed in a cape and crown and just harassing the bejeebus out of people. My first thought was that he was the Burger King (my mind was still on the McTriple apparently) and for the rest of the day we saw the Burger King enthusiastically shouting at people. He was everywhere. And he was PUMPED.  It was funny and we want to know who he is and what's his story?!

We walked to the beach to watch the Pros start.
My Boston jacket is just denial, it was already quite warm. Muggy. A nice beach day!

Eric had already pumped up Kate's tires so we had plenty of time to take pics.

Stashing multiple water bottles.
Which would be gone by mile 3...
Notice the guy body gliding his balls in the background? Sorry dude... HAHAHA!
 

Oh Eric! So manly and tough!

I am always convinced that people are going to drown during the swim but I was less concerned when I saw that they had a party barge, about 40 kayakers and a bunch of paddleboarders playing lifeguard. What a paddleboarder would do is a bit of a mystery to me but perhaps they just act as a flotation device. If I ever swim I plan to just grab onto one of them and have them tow me in!

 



Off they go!!

Eric is never scared of swimming so he jumped in and took off in a sea of  churning orange capped bodies. Knowing we didn't have much time Kate and I hustled to the bathroom (for the 400th time) and devised a plan where I would scoot down to the swim finish and text her as Eric came out of the water. Then I'd RUN to the bike start to send her off!

Kate sent me some texts in the 4 minutes that followed.

Wise words.

We absolutely noticed that the relay teams were SERIOUS. Legit athletes. Shaved legs, backwards rhino helmets, body-glided balls, the works.

And the fight to avoid a last place finish began. BWA HAHAHA!

 

Right on schedule Eric leaped out of the water in 36 minutes, noting that the sun had gotten in his eyes making a straight swim a bit challenging. He was fast though and right on schedule! And good looking too which is a huge plus.

 

I sprinted to the bike start and yelled a bunch of useful things like "BE SMART DAMMIT! GO FAST BE CAREFUL WHOOOOOO!!!" And like an aqua streak of lightning she was off.

 

ZOOM! Off she goes!

AND THEN THE WAITING BEGAN....

We managed to fill the time with a variety of entertaining things. I drank a lot of water and Gatorade so I had to pee many times. We watched the pros come in off the bike and start the run which was exciting! I ate some food. We sat on rocks in the shade with Eric's coach and watched as some of our friends came in, hot and sweaty, from the bike. the word on the bike course was that it was "Hot, relentless hills and anyone who can manage it in 3.5 hours is a rockstar..."

About 3 hours after Kate left we started to formulate a plan for making the transition into the run since we really did not know when she'd be coming in. After Andy came thru we made a rough calculation, figuring that Kate went out 30 minutes after he did and she would need 20 minutes more on the course we concluded that if she had a PERFECT ride it would be about 12:10-12:20 when she arrived.

At 12:05 my butt was planted in the shade at the dismount line with the plan that as soon as I saw her I'd run to the bike rack. Much to our delight at 12:15 she cruised on in, hot and sweaty but good! No need for the med tent! I had no time to chat but as it turned out she had a very good ride over the brutal hills. Her finishing time was right in the 3:54 range so, as she had hoped, NOT ONE SECOND OVER 4 HOURS!!!

 

Apparently nobody loves me enough to take my picture as I run so I'm noticeably missing from my own blog!!! Sad face. I looked cute though and had a great outfit so hopefully I find some pictures later.

Anyway, off I went on the run. The first mile was really great because it was straight downhill. And THAT, my friends, was the ONLY downhill thru the whole course.

I can honestly say that it was the hilliest and hottest half I have ever run. I can't imagine coming into a race like this with a goal of being fast- it would have been rather demoralizing. Luckily, I had set reasonable goals for the day and knowing that gave me the ability to actually have quite a fun run. (fun is relative...)

That's not to be confused with easy though... I climbed the dirt road mountain at mile 4-5 and just had to laugh, it was brutal. Unrelenting. Around that time I started picking up fluids from the well stocked aid stations and just couldn't get enough down- I was already shockingly hot and the Gatorade was SO COLD that I instantly developed horrible side stitches. Regardless, I was better off than the poor triathletes who looked totally finished. I can not imagine trying to run after such a brutal bike course, they are a bunch of tough cookies. Who were tossing their cookies on the roadside, ugh I've been there.

 

I saw a LOT of people that I knew! I saw Julia twice who claimed to be hurting but looked strong. I saw quite a few people from TSA all of whom said the same exact thing "the heat is kicking my ASS!" I saw Big Tall Ben!  I also chatted a bit with some friendly strangers who hated me because I was running not walking, so I apologized many times for being a little cheating ahole relay runner. I counted that I passed 207 people (I had to do something to keep my mind off my misery!) (I did not count people who were vomiting I asked those people if they needed help) and I did not count people in the bathroom line. If I had done the full tri and a relay runner had passed me I might have kicked them so I tried to be quiet and not a little showboating jerk like I sometimes am :-) I did pass 2 relay runners and I did not apologize to them, haha...

 

The last mile was legit awful, straight up a hill and I was about cashed at that point.

The Burger King and his merry men totally jumped on me in the last 0.25 and ran me in with great enthusiasm! I was a bit discombobulated and totally missed seeing a whole flock of friends at the finish including Kate and Eric who found me shortly thereafter. Thank heavens as I was lost and wandering aimlessly...

My finish time was 1:51 and dudes, I was hot. I was fine but just radiating heat. The only logical thing to do was jump in the lake so that happened.

 

We met our goal of not coming in last as we finished 7th with a final time of 6:24:10. PHEW.

 

Once again, I can not fathom being a solo athlete facing such a course alone! Definitely not a goal of mine. But a giant congrats to the badass triathletes who conquered that beast of a course!!

 

All of us were pleased with how we did on such a tough day. When I asked Kate and Eric how they felt about it here is what they had to say:

 

Eric: "Well, the swim was very flat....!"

 

Kate: "The course was challenging, technical and at times unrelenting. But fun!" (what she actually meant if you read between the lines is BITCH SHIT HILLS!!!!

 

Despite the heat, etc it was a good fun event, well run, nice BIG medals, and lots of helpful people to answer questions which I always appreciate. I am VERY excited to do Rev3 OOB on an incredibly badass all women's team in August. from the looks of things it is considerably more flat and after this weekend that is music to my ears! (and a big congrats to Julia for her podium finish! super pumped to have you on the OOB team, it's gonna be incredible!)

 

Maine Half Marathon: The official rainy race report.

 It has been a while since I've run a Half. If my old, faulty memory is correct my last Half was my simply amazing record-smashing PR setting run at Great Bay which was in April. Quite some time ago...

Back before I hurt my leg in May I signed up for the Maine Half knowing that:
a: I love this silly race
b: it would be a great final long run before I started to taper for MDI
c: if nothing else it would surely be nicer out than last year
(anybody remember last year? monsoon much?)

The plan changed somewhat over the months. Since my running skills had greatly diminished since my July Marathon (but yes, I am finally running on a well behaved leg) I knew that running slow-ish would be smart. I also chose to add some extra miles in to make it a more legit long run, since I have done very few for the past couple of months. Gotta tell my legs what's up if they're going to slog thru 26.2 in a couple weeks after all....

The best news was that Eric decided to jump on board for his first half since GBH too, and for his longest race since his Ironman insanity. Have I mentioned that he's crazy? Super crazy. He indicated that he might want to PR at the ME 1/2 and I eagerly leaped all over that news with obnoxious gusto and grand plans for world domination.

 

 

My shirt and very lucky looking number. I do love the shirts from this race!

We had a very excellent plan involving how to run this race and allow Eric to PR like the boss of the Half Marathon.

Well. It was something like this: "start slowly finish fast"

And it was all my doing. This was all my plan. I'm a jerk face who drags people to races and forces them to run faster/longer/harder then they want to.

 

Yes, I am available for coaching. Excellent coaching. Accepting new clients for SURE.  HAH.

 

Strike one of the day: Coffee was impossible to find. Apparently coffee shops don't open until very late on Sundays. Finally, at 6:40 we obtained coffee and bagels. This would have been excellent if I had not wished to start running at 7:00.

 

Strike two of the day: I forgot to pack my sports bra. OH SNAP. Thank you sweet baby Geezus for making me a barely A cup. They were still awfully bouncy and totally got chafed.

 

Strike three of the day: It rained. Son of a beech tree.

 

See? Rain.

I headed out at 7:00, 30 seconds post coffee and bagel consumption. It was no big deal. I felt great, and oddly, I'm not lying! I honestly was VERY excited to run, VERY excited to race and VERY excited to be awesome. (duh!) I ran 3 miles to the start and located Eric quickly enough to waylay my concerns that he was going to hide in the shrubs until the gun went off. This seemed like a very real possibility as he wasn't quite as over the top excited as I was (imagine that! maybe he has logic and reason?)

 

I ate a honey stinger waffle and drank a small cup of Gatorade. Nutrition excellence at its finest (again, no lie! this shit works for me. total middleaged endorsement of said products.)

 

Strike four of the day: The Garmin died a tragic death. DOOM!!!!

 

Despite yet another strike, the steadily worsening rain, a belly full of breakfast and my flapping boobs I was still annoyingly excited to be racing. Seriously, I'm such a tool sometimes!

 

The gun went off and we took off at a blistering and totally unreasonable pace. I mentioned this to my running buddy and he just continued on. I completely forgot that my job was to be a pacer and, instead, was delighted with this turn of events! DELIGHTED!!! I scampered merrily along literally beaming, singing and prancing along like running was the best thing EVER!!!

 

This all went very well until mile 10 when I heard these horrible words in my left ear "I'm really fading...."

I'm about to offer up a fine example of why I deserve to be nominated for the girlfriend of the year award. *sigh* (on a side note: even after this debacle Eric claims that he is not looking for a more supportive replacement... like I said, he is a lucky man...)

Here is what I said: "NO YOU ARE NOT!!!!" "WE ONLY HAVE A FEW MORE MILES!" "YOU CAN DO THIS WITHOUT THINKING" "AND YOU ARE AN EFFING IRONMAN!!!!" (so quit your whining.) See? I am a very kind, loving, caring woman. HAHA!!!

To my right there was a lady with a working Garmin who mentioned that we were cutting it close but could make it if we maintained our currant pace. "SO KEEP UP WITH HER!" she yelled menacingly to my ever more cross looking exclusive running partner.

We ran on. There was no stopping! And no walking! No quitting to be had!!! It poured harder and harder and I started to shiver which made me very crabby. The last mile was not so easy and according to my watch (the kind that tells time) we were going to miss the potential PR by a heartbreaking amount of time. Bottom line though, sometimes it's just not the day to PR. I know that better than anyone as I had to fight with my 5K PR for a YEAR before I finally kicked it in the teeth.

Our finishing time was still very, very respectable in 1:53:08. And Eric was not mad that I spent 20 minutes shouting at him (or that I encouraged the 6:37 minute pace at the start... whoops!!)

I was cold, cranky and shivering so I ran back home (total of 19 for the day) and leaped into a hot shower which was very painful on my freshly chaffed boobs. UGH! Ladies, NEVER forget your sports bra. I think forgetting your shorts and being forced to run in your knickers might be a better choice. Lesson learned, time to act my age and start making lists!

Recovery was done up right with friends, pizza and beers drank from glasses roughly the height of my entire leg. Yes please!!!

So a decent race, a few extra miles (which only hurt a little...) as I work towards MDI, challenges overcome, almost a PR, and most importantly beers consumed! (and no one was injured during or after the events which inspired this blog so perhaps that is the best news?)

Maine Half Marathon: The official slow race report!

After my epic beer race report of yesterday I thought it would be prudent and adult of me to type up something a bit more legit for today. Don't ask me why, as my post yesterday pretty much summed it up!

Let's backtrack for some second.
- I did not train for this shiz AT ALL. My last run over 7-8 miles was in APRIL. I did NOT follow a training plan, I did NOT PLAN at all!
-This meant that I did not have time to suffer any over training injuries (well, duh. I have been on a "taper" since May!)


Let's now take a look at Sunday morning.
I woke up with a fresh shiny new cold. REALLY??? Really. Oh well.
The weather was amazingly bad and it is hard to amaze me with bad weather. OH WELL.

Off I went in the dark, rain and cold. I was feeling pretty good about things because why the hell not? Nothing says "here I come" like an old, untrained sick person, right?

I snuck to the start in the nick of time (parking took a bit) but what luck... It was pouring buckets so I managed to stay fairly dry until the gun went off. Being that I got there last I was way back in the pack at the start- I think it took over 3 minutes to actually cross the start line!
(good think I put my number on sideways so that it could be read properly. Other MM participants will know what I mean.)

Before mile 1 arrived my feet were already more wet than they have ever been before. As the race progresses I was seeing some horrific blisters on other runners- I have never been so happy to have good socks!

It rained so damn hard! I had on a "waterproof" windbreaker and I ran with the hood pulled up over my head the whole time. It didn't do a bit of good as I was still completely and totally drenched at the end. It was also freezing cold and around mile 4 I began to have serious doubts about the wisdom of walking at all. I was quite nervous that I would get so chilled that I would not be able to get warm again...

I ran at SUCH an easy pace that running the whole thing began to seem like a viable option at the 1/2 turnaround point. I took a moment to evaluate and honestly declared that I felt quite well. VERY wet, but good. At this point I had had to pause once to re-tie my soggy shoes and I had walked thru one water station (thanks to the amazing volunteers who stood around for hours in the awful weather!)

Remembering back to my last half I knew that the second half might sneak up and get me. I still have vivid and unpleasant memories of having to talk myself into taking every step of the final 5 miles last time... I did not enjoy that. As it turned out this time I had plenty of gas left in the tank- remarkable considering my lack of long runs. During the second half I ran each mile faster than the previous one, passing people along the way.

I knew that making it in under 2:10 was going to be almost impossible given my 10K split but I ran along in a comfortable pace, checking out the scenery, laughing at the beer drinking boys at mile 11 who (from their porch) screamed "whooooo-hooooo" whenever a group of ladies ran by, and in general really enjoying my run.

As much as I enjoyed the whole epic 13.1 I was still glad to see the finish and VERY pleased to run under the clock in 2:06:50 (final net time was 2:04:09) As you all know this is MUCH slower than my PR but MUCH better than I had ever hoped for!

I had a lot to think about on my drive home.
-Clearly I made the right choice to run within my "comfort zone" as the odds of an injury with my lack of training were higher than I would have liked.
-I enjoyed this run tremendously, head cold and weather and all...

And this makes me wonder, should I just be cool with running slower than I feel I should in the name of "enjoying" it? Usually I would scream a resounding "NO" as I feel mediocrity in the name of comfort is one of the seven deadly sins!

But let's face it people: I am no elite runner nor will I ever be. Why push myself to the point of vomiting and burnout? Perhaps I can find a balance- I would prefer to be finishing in under 2 hours (seems do-able) but perhaps kick aside the goal of consistent 1:45 finishes? (insert some serious doubt *here*)

This was a whole new 13.1 experience for me and one that I honestly thought was terrific. I enjoyed listening to the conversations around me, I liked the fact that I had given myself permission to stop whenever I needed to, and I liked the fact that there was no high pressure and challenging to obtain goal hanging over my head (I have enough of that in the equine show arena, thanks!)

Anyway. I finished, got a tinfoil blanket, ate several bagels, drank a Gatorade and two chocolate milks, went home, ate half a bag of caramel creams and a slice of salmon, goat cheese and asparagus pizza, took a pile of cold meds and sat down.

THE END.

Hello Race Report! Great Bay Half, in the Oh-Eleven...

Race report time! (pictures to come.... later...)

Good old New Hampshire... I seem to have darkened the doors of our neighboring State several times this winter all in the name of running insanity. This time for the Great Bay Half which was held in Newmarket, more or less on the water.

The weather was remarkably and unusually good. This left me feeling confused about what to wear and how to operate as I have not run in temps much above 32 for the past couple weeks. The high temp at the race was a blistering 55 degrees and despite the stupid wind felt quite balmy. Perhaps I am exaggerating slightly but compared to sub arctic mid 50's feels downright tropical.

I felt good! An extra weather related day off seemed to be just what I needed to get rid of the dreaded and unnecessary knee pain. I ate food, drank purple gatorade, donned odd layers including sunscreen and was ready to go!

There were lots of people there plus many cute puppies. Cute puppies = happiness and warm fuzzies in my heart.

The whole shebang got off to a smooth start despite the fact that there was a 5K running at the same time and that can make things frenetic. It was not bad though and I set what felt like a decent pace for what my legs and I had in mind. I overtook the 8:30 pace group before mile 2 which surprised me as I didn't see them at the last 1/2 until mile 11. I felt fine about this since my goal was to maintain about an 8:20-8:30 pace throughout. Evidently, I have an excellent inner Garmin as I don't actually have any way to measure my pace other than in my head. I am a real woman of genius apparently and seem to be fairly competent at pacing myself. (I am a real woman of genius in many other areas too, don't want to short change myself.)

Anywhoo. It was great to be running on a warm day! With friends (ummm, strangers but who is paying attention!) In a tank top after mile 3! All these exclamations do justice to how I felt. Just fine.

There was a rather troublesome stretch of dirt road. Not overly troublesome because of its surface but due to some never ending potholes which required some dodging and leaping. I had more or less fallen into pace with a good number of runners at that point and we all stuck together more or less, for a couple miles. It was hard to tell how fast the "real" runners were running because the 5K start had fuddled things up. Regardless, I certainly wasn't expecting to be in the top group of runners so I stuck to my arduous pace happily.

I missed the memo that this was a hilly course. I think the "Cool Running" blurb on the race casually said that over the past couple years they have designed a course with "10% fewer hills." 10% fewer than 100%? That's what it felt like. Have I mentioned that I train the hell out of the hills in my own town? Yes I have... BUT STILL. It wasn't that the hills were long it was they they were friggin relentless and JUST. KEPT. COMING. I was planning to pick up the pace a bit after mile 7 but the hell if I could what with the hills knocking me on my ass at every turn. I wasn't so much tired... As I was tired of seeing more hills. It was really pissing me off, to be completely honest. The other thing that was really grinding my gears was that for whatever reason the Shot Blok stupid things were NOT sitting well. Again, what the hell? I practice eating those little weirdo's all the time so shiz like that does not happen. It wasn't the best, and hiccupping slightly while I run kind of messes with my nice breathing rhythm.

Despite my trials and tribulations I soldiered bravely on, passing people here and there and feeling small twinges of victory.

Here is what I was thinking around mile 8-9ish.

THE GOOD-I'm at mile 8-9ish. Almost done? Almost done...
-NO PAIN!
-What a nice day
-Not feeling tired

THE BAD-I'm only at mile 8-9ish. WTF??
-Shot bloks feel like lead weights in stomach. bleech.
-Number is swooshing annoyingly. swoosh, crinkle, swoosh, crinkle. GRRR!
-Chafing under right arm. Must have a flabby bit there.

At mile 11 we came to the "out and back" part of the course (another thing that makes me cross. seeing who is ahead of me!) The front runners had indeed set a blistering pace- quite impressive. I don't feel like having to run that hard for 13 miles though, thanxxx.

Mile 12 was a sight for sore eyes, sore feet, multiple chaffed areas and an ever growing more uppity belly. At that point I was still pain free (as in, hip flexor and knees! yayyy!) and I knew I could make it. I had one more bizarre moment when my allergies got the best of me and I sneezed. I don't know if it was because I was running into a very strong wind, because I was slightly breathless or WHAT but the sneezed backfired and seriously chocked me. Yes, bizarre. No crap, I could not get a single breath of air in and was imagining a horrifying situation that involved me, the paramedics and some sort of tube stuck in my neck to give me air. Luckily, my imagination was far worse than reality as I quickly regained my breathing capabilities and got on with it. Not before several people managed to pass me...

I ran into town, thru the finish and saw that I snuck in just under 1:46. Found the Huz and tried to walk off the unpleasantness in mah belly. To no avail. I should have given up and lost my shot bloks on my shoes but I sucked it up and held back on the projectile vomming. I definitely felt dehydrated (stupid warm weather!) but for the life of me could not force anything down. I spent a couple hours curled up in some sort of sick, fetal position going "ewwwwww. ewwwwww. I hate myself" and things of that nature. eventually I was able to straighten up, gulp some gatorade and get back to life... In an attempt to fix me, as lack of food was certainly was playing a part in my lightheadedness we went over to Redhook. Our waitress said that she was seeing an awful lot of green hued runners who were announcing the probability of imminently loosing their lunches. I was quite pleased that I was not alone in my struggle... I suppose I could have won myself one of those coveted pukie awards if I had just hurled immediately upon crossing the finish line- I'll have to take that into consideration for my next race!

So, despite feeling green around the gills after the race I felt good about how everything went. It is better to hit the wall immediately upon finishing then to bonk at mile 6 (a good way to look at it?) I was super pleased with my time of 1:45:40, and to finish 215th- out of about 1200. I was 9th in my age group and the 47th placed woman.

So! I met my goal of shaving a bit of time off my last Half, not feeling the same pains and finishing strong. Now I have to figure out how to finish well and not feel like junk!

The official HALF MARATHON race report!!

Here it is! What you have all been waiting for! My official Half at The Hamptons race report.
Sorry this is a day late and a dollar short, Mr. Middleaged and I took a trip to Boston yesterday to freeze just a little bit more, look at the penguins at the Aquarium but most importantly to see David Gray in concert for the unpteenth time. One can never have enough of a good thing and this was the first stop on this particular tour so it was kind of a big deal. We are super fans!

Anyway! This is a running blog so on to what keeps you guys coming back for more....

Saturday was so windy that it was ridiculous. I told the Huz that if the wind kept up at that absurd rate for Sunday that running would be next thing to impossible. He and my helpful Dad assured me that not only was the wind goiung to die down but that the temps would climb to 30 for sure- once I saw their hairbrained theory backed up by meteorlogical excellence on TV I relaxed and took their word for it.

Well THAT was a mistake.

We left town at 6 AM and shoot, if it wasn't 9 degrees with the wind gusting at 45 MPH (I have a wind gauge, I am a GEEK.) I decided that FOR SURE things would be better on the coast since we all know that it is never windy near the ocean. All together now: HA. HA.

By the time we arrived in the desolate snow covered frozen solid wasteland of Hampton the temp was up to a primising 12 degrees. Thank heavens the wind was making up for the balmy temps and keeping the heat wave to a minimum, with that kind of increase in temps I was worried about heat stroke or similar.

Went in. Registered. Ate Fig Newtons. Listened to the race management apologise about the weather over and over and promise that if people couldn't stand it that a sweep vehicle would pick them up promptly and bring them back to safety. That wasn't scary or anything.

Got dressesd. Looked hot, per the norm. Wondered how the wind would affect the outcome of the whole situation.... Decided that I didn't care but wondered if I would need to be rescued by the paramedics after my feet froze to the ground.

As you can see from this picture I was feeling a bit worried about the whole shebang.

We all lined up in the gusting winds (but beautiful sun!) and BANG. Off we went. It occured to me that perhaps I'd stick with the 8:30 pace group but I lost them in the crowd because I was fighting so hard to run against the wind. Luckily, after the first 5K or so we came into a more sheltered area and the winds lightened up... It was rough!

I suffered from the coldest feet ever for about 4 miles but decided that it was a bit of a blessing because I could not feel my warts! Whoopie fricking doooo!

I felt good from the start despite the cold stupidity. What can you do, right? And running is a great way to warm up so off I went like the effing wind (haha. into the wind is more like it...)

Felt strong all the way to mile 6 then evaluated my condition to see if I was circling the drain. I was NOT, things were feeling pretty darn good at that point so I opted to continue on and not break my rhythm. I did throw a shot blok into my face at this point (I might not have mentioned that I chose these because they are easy to chew.) what did I find? The little sucker was frozen SOLID. I had to suck on it for about 10 minutes before I could get it down- ewwwww! I threw the rest of them down my pants and that really helped me to eat the remaining ones with much less difficulty. Meaning that they thawed.

After the 6 mile point the miles flew by so fast that I was a touch baffled. I had, for sure, picked up the pace a bit- my legs were cooperating wonderfully and I knew by mile 8 that I had it in the bag. Ummm, yeah. this was a good feeling.

Right around mile 10 I felt a little pull in my left hip flexor and "pop" ouch! I hip hoppidied along for a bit (refusing to stop, almost there after all) and it loosened up a bit but plauged me tremendously for the remainder of the race. This is when my mantras of excellence came into play in a big way. "You're almost there, idiot, keep moving your stupid legs!!" "Run, you stupid shit. You didn't run 100,000 miles to cry like a bitch at mile 11!!!!" were the thoughts running thru my head. Need a little motivation friends? You can arrange to have me come to your house and shout at you for a small fee and a slice of pie.

Despite the pain I had enough gas in the tank to really kick it up during the last 2 miles. I found and passed the 8:30 pace group (I told the pacer that I had been looking for him so that I could catch him and pass him...) I also passed about 56 people in the last mile. HAHAHA.

About to come thru the finish. Look at that huge snowbank! Look at my fashion! look at my "pain" face! I need a haircut!

DONE! Thank heavens! I have a hole in my arm sock!

Why do my cheeks look so chubby?

I was able to find The Huz really quick at the finish and celebrate my Excellence In Running. He was quite pleased that I had beaten my goal time because he was getting really cold and sick of hanging about in boring Hampton. Understandable. I felt good except for the pulled hip flexor which hurt like a screaming beeyotch. (I later threw a huge bag of ice on it- which leaked all over me making me look like I had peed my pants. ooops!) We finished up by saying hello to a few people that we knew and then grabbing an excellent beer. We love beer....

Beer! The ONLY way to rehydrate!

So! I managed to finish in a good time with 51 days of "training", no runs over 12 miles, 8 unscheduled days off and a Taper Tantrum for the ages. And I must say.... I CAN NOT WAIT to DO IT AGAIN!!!

Edited: Pleased to see that my 1:48:54 time placed me 13th in my age group. There is no denying that 30 something women are scary fast. And there were well over 100 ladies in my age division. Go me!

Top 10 for 2010

After days of proving to all of you that I can do whatever I want with my blog (as in, ramble on about my dog and the weather) I'm finally back on track with a post about real running. Or whatever it is that I do- real SLOW running? (real FAST walking?) Whatev, you're all jealous of my uber speedy marathon time. (as in: average 5K. Again, WHATEV!) HA!

My Top Ten Best/Funny/Fab running moments from 2010:
Cos I'm the Letterman of the interwebs (and (ahem) so original.)

10-Being able to see most of my town from a whole different point of view. I live in a beautiful place and running around has made me appreciate where I live more than I already did. (awwww! how sappy!!)

9- My Epic Comeback at the October race. 2 runs after the shin splint fiasco and BOOM! PR. It's only because the Infamous Coaching Staff was threatening to leave me there if I didn't hurry back to get them out of the FREEZING weather!

8- The 4 on the 4Th where it occurred to me NOT to run like an idiot! This was a startling revelation, and was a few races in the making (hey, better late than never suckers!)

7- My first race, running like a complete idiot and living to tell the tale.

6- Finally getting back out on the road after a million weeks off from the shin splint of doom. That was a good feeling!!

5- Running in the downpour over July 4Th weekend. Having strangers offer me rides home and saying "sorry, I don't get into cars with strangers" like I was in 1st grade... But still, you never know!

4- The helpful local Fast Yellow dog, running with me in an unauthorized way last week. Me: "Go home you **##@@**" Dog!!!" Him: "I love you temporarily! You can be my master!!!" Me: "No, just.... No."

3- The kid with the bow staff, fighting "his imagination" as I ran by. One of the best roadside things that I have ever seen. You really had to be there...

2- "Run Fatty, run!" Shouted from a passing car over Memorial Day weekend. Tourists! Gosh!

1- Taunting the guy in front of me during a July race "I'm gonna get you MISTER!!!" then having him nearly kick my ass. Made for an epic finish line photo shoot.

1- TIE! (Because I can) My comments on my active trainer excercise log. Gems like this after a good run after a short hiatus make me smirk and giggle: "Because after 9 days off, 67,987 calories of pudding, lobster, tequila, crab dip, and mud pie WHY THE FRICK NOT.
And I kicked ass." HAHA. Once more proving that I am pretty awesome... Clearly!

Clearly, 2010 was a year of great success and competitive mastery. Hmmmm. At the very least it was most certainly a year where trying something new (running, duh) proved to be both entertaining and exhilarating. (for the most part. )

Stay tuned for the top 10 EPIC FAILS of 2010. That will be a good list for sure!

My ponderings and reflections

I was tremendously pleased to have a great run yesterday after a fully craptastical week. .....and while my week was not really the best most glorious ever I'm actually referring to the fact that I had a BAD running week.... I gave some serious thought to why I was having lead legs and super slow feet. I am a fairly smart girl and came up with the following multi part conclusion:

1- I am exhausted as I have not slept well in weeks
2- It is freezing out so I am stiff and slow to warm up
3- It is freezing out so I forget to drink... Water...
4- I am over the euphoria of returning to running and have settled into the drudgery of improving my fitness

I was not particularly well rested yesterday but spent a few pre run minutes stretching and was sure to pound some high quality H2o. I felt considerably better and finally (and I mean, REALLY) was able to up my mileage without feeling like I was going to break my femur doing so.

I believe that I was the only runner in the world not to run a race this past weekend. In my perfectly well designed plan for 2010 I was scheduled to run a 5K trail race on Saturday. The 7ish weeks spent on the DL made me change my mind about that one which is a good show of unusual logic for me. Something about slamming down 5K over roots, stumps, wildlife and swampland on a just recovered and still not fully fit leg sounded nothing short of retarded. So I stayed home.

With 2 months left in the year I'm suspicious that my goal of running a 10K might go unfinished... Mostly due to my geography the race season is grinding to a halt because people are becoming hypothermic. I am toying with the idea of driving a couple hours south (which will tragically not improve the temps by more than 3 degrees) to run a 10K on January 1st. A good New Years resolution but it might be sub fricking arctic!! I'm having a tad bit of trouble wrapping my head around this one.
I am also fairly certain that I will not be cracking the 21 minute mark in any 5K's. It is painfully clear that shaving seconds off the time on a 5K is challenging. Knocking off another TWO minutes? It might as well be two hours!!
I will revise my goal by saying that if I can manage a 5K in under 23 minutes I'll be very happy. (I'm not giving up on my 21 minute 5K. No way, Jose. But I'm allowed to make changes to my ridiculous goals because I'm a grown ass woman, damnit!)

I'm a geek so I looked back at all my race results for the year so that I could mull over my VAST and DRAMATIC improvements...

This year's results:
-Day after Thanksgiving, 2009: 4 miler- 39:11 (the race that started the madness and introduced me to the fact that practice is important to ward off impossibly sore muscles.)
-June... 2nd?? 2010- Tri For a Cure 5K- 23:11 (ran a 6:14 first mile. enough said. and an over 10:00 last mile- so not enough said?) Placed 12th. Celebrated.
-June 25th or so- Ridge Run 5K- 23:19 (ran mile 1 in 6:03. I had not learned my lesson yet. spent the rest of the day wishing to die. lesson learned.) 1st place woman.
-July 4th- 4 on the 4th- 31:20- First time I ran smart enough to claim negative splits! In almost 90 degree weather!
-July 7th- Run by the lake 5K- 23:33- my slowest 5K time to date but ran negative splits in 94 degree temps. Won age division.
-July 17th- Old Home Days 5K- 23:14- another very smart race, neg splits and hot weather. Won age division.
-July 31st- Another "Old Home Days" 4 miler- 30:29- Ran the last mile the fastest- not a lot of gas left at the end but another smart run. Finished in top 100- big race.
.........Time off due to various shit in life plus insane shin splint............
-October 16th- Fall Foliage 5K- 23:00. Still a mystery as to how I managed this, but time off did not hurt evidently. 2nd place woman. by a hairrrrrr....

Upcoming events:
Me vs. the Thanksgiving day 4 miler. Rematch bitches.
and.... nothing else. I'm going to hunt around for some festive fun 5K's and continue to ponder the logic of a New Year's Day 10k.

Sometimes I am wrong. Rarely, but it happens....

I guess I just need to shut the heck up?

After my agony yesterday morning, my gloomy predictions of epic humiliating failure, and my repeated bashing of my head off my desk as I imagined my last place finish, this happened.

I SET A PR!!

Oh no you didn't!!

23:00. After 6 weeks off. 3 runs. A lot of moaning and groaning.

It WAS EPIC. 22nd place overall, and 2nd place female finisher. That really pissed me off but there was no catching the other girl in my current feeble and jiggly condition (13 seconds is insurmountable.)

It was freezing (very unusual for a race day...) 60+ MPH winds for the last mile made things oh so delightful and easy. Like running into cozy comforting arms (of an angry, bitchy nor'easter that is.) Pretty decent sized crowd all of whom looked taller, faster and fitter than myself.

I'll catch up on some details later- like the new shoes I wore, my profound thoughts and feelings (ha ha) and other juicy details. But after yesterdays pre race pity party I wanted to update with the shocking news of my re-entry into the racing world and subsequent success!

Go me. I'm cool.

A list. I like lists.

After having my ever helpful and fully fantabulous friend Jennie diagnose my sore leg with a "compound fracture" I took it over to see my sister, the expert diagnostician. "It is probably a bone bruise" said she, with wisdom and gravity. "If you had a compound fracture you would be in excruciating pain, not to mention the bones and what not sticking through your skin." (which I knew. I really did.) "Go run on it" she advised "maybe take it easy for a few more days."
Digesting those words of wisdom (as well as my weight in chocolate chip cookies) I hit the road for a not so easy and relatively up hill 4 miler. And it was fine. (smiles)

Things I have learned while running this summer. A top 8 list.
1- Well, that I can actually run... Profound bitches!!
2- Running in humidity kinda sucks. Like, a lot to be honest.
3- I can easily consume 5 Gatorade's and endless water in said humidity and still loose pounds of water while running. Lots of pounds. Weird..
4- Pavement gets really hot in the summer sun and burns the eff out of my sneakered feet, again- weird.
5- People love to shout at me out of their cars. "Run, fatty, RUN!" being the clear winner here.
6- A while back 2 miles was daunting, and 4 was insurmountable. I have, ummm, mounted it? How would you say that?
7- I have met some really nice people and I feel that runners are terrific. (except ABS. Just kidding!)
8- I like running. I like how easy and uncomplicated it is to slap one foot in front of the other again and again. It is not always EASY, but it's always straightforward. All things in life should be so simple...

More racing, whining, hot weather and ABS.

I had oh-so enjoyed my long and restful vacation from racing. The weather was so cool and pleasant that it was clear I would be able to resume my racing career with aplomb.

Back to reality. The summer weather had a firm grip on our area of the world and it was entirely dreadful. Like I have mentioned in my previous posts rest was not on the schedule in the least.

I once again awoke to the feelings of the stupid pre race butterflies on July 17Th and immediately declared shenanigans on them. Enough is enough you ridiculous creatures!! I declared war on them by chugging the purple Gatorade and inhaling mass quantities of tiny twist pretzels and ginger. I was growing weary of this hideous pre race happy meal but it never had done me wrong so I didn't dare change it up. YUCK.

At race hour the temps were already in the mid eighties and rising, and the sun was blazing down with avengence. Asshat sunshine... I was pretty excited though because it was not a loop, or out and back but a point to point course. I thought it would be fun to do something a little new. I was also excited becasue I'm awesome? And that I was more or less used to the heat... And that no matter what it was going to be a damn good time. YES IT WAS!

My Dad and The Huz came along per the norm as my excellent and very serious coaching squad. They were excited because this was an Old Home Day's race for a local town and there were exactly 3 things to look at. Which is 3 more things that our own town has at their Big Country Fair. Lucky them!

I saw Abs and gave her menacing looks and dirty glares. She was amused by this as well as afraid, due to my above average speed and super human acceleration... (actually, I did no such thing. I had a perfectly nice chat with her because I know how to act in public. So there.)

Once again I had trouble with my IPod. And then I had trouble with my watch. And THEN as I was trying to have a good start all the little kids in the world decided to stop in front of me to tie their shoes. GAHD! Just run!! Despite the clusterfudge I ran a solid but not insane 1st mile in 7:23.

It was hot like WHAT! The sun was so hot that I could feel it boring a hole thru my skull. I was fairly certain that from that hole my brain would pour out and then fry on the 4000 degree pavement. A pleasant image. Even though it was disgusting out I ran in a pretty strong manner and never got to the point of wishing to vom/die/call 911/pass out and hallucinate.

In the final mile of the course the route took us up a road, around a cone and back down that road to finish. I discovered that there were not a huge number of people ahead of me but enough so that catching the leaders was impossible. I passed by a man in spandex with a horrifying mullet, I watched Abs round the cone about 20 seconds ahead of me, and knew there was no getting her, I observed quite a few very creatively dressed people all somewhat ahead of me (I don't usually run in my jean cut offs- but maybe I should?) Realising that I should stop sightseeing and start running I did, made it to the finish and ended up into 26th place with a time of 23:14 which was better than the last race. I won my age division and got a hat. I think I should have won a car, a boat or something of significant value. Or maybe the whole Old Home Day's set up?

And the best part: Later that day my Dad, Huz and I went out for some dinner. At one point I saw something catch my Dad's eye in back of me. He pointed and it was Abs and her family. He said to her "HA! WE. BEAT. YOU. HERE." It was the highlight of the day and we all laughed very hard. (maybe you had to be there, but use your imagination! It was funny.)

In between the madness....

After the scramble to do 2 races over the course of 3 days I had a little break (from racing, sadly not from other things.) Over the period of this 10 day uber vacation I discovered some important things.

It is hard to run when it is 98 degrees out at 6 AM.
It is hard to run when you are working a 87 hour week. (no lie.)

The heat I began to adjust to, somewhat. Considering taking out stock in Purple Magic Gatorade I did my very best to hydrate to the max while avoiding my enemy: cold water in a hot stomach. That is a one way street to Vom Dot Com for this old lady!

How about those 2 million hour work weeks? How was that working out for me? Well, I was certainly pleased to be able to pay my mountains of bills (I need to try to become an elite runner, beat the Kenyans and make bank. Yeah! Anyway...) But it left very little time for long super woman runs. But run I did because I am hardcore, crazy, determined not to suck and one-who-makes-no-excuses! Oh snap! During this time I entered in my training log some of the most fabulous workout notes that I have ever seen. Since a week or two has passed I had already forgotten the extent of my suffering. Read on to enjoy my pain!

July 9, 3.1 miles, 25:00 pace of 8:04: The weather was a sweltering 85 degrees but knowing that A: That's what it has been all week and B: that's what it's going to be until the fricking end of time, out I went. I felt fine. I did not run fast but I ran well. My inner monolouge was not filled with moaning, groaning and clanking but with inner zen like thoughts (obvi) Actually, it was more like "Wow, I'm really sweating. Hmm, my sweat even has sweat. I wonder if the townspeople would fine me if I just ran NAKED???"
I got home and poured a nasty green gatorade straight down my throat and chased it with some vodka (hey. it's Friday suckah!)

July 10, 4 miles, 32:00 pace of 8:00- Off I went this morning, filled with delight that it was a frigid 75 degrees and an ultra dry 98% humidity (oh snap!) About .01 into my epic marathon it started to pour. Not one to make excuses I boldly trundled on and after a bit it stopped. At exactly mile 2.2 (and at the other end of town) the skies opened up in a most apocolyptic fashion and it rained so hard that all I could do was spit rain water out of my mouth, leap over large puddles, wish for goggles and those flipper things that swimmers wear and run faster. I almost drowned but in my heart I actually thought it was kinda fun. HAHA weather, you thought you could stop me but you CAN'T! You're my bitch weater, and I'm not scared of you!

July 12, 3 miles, 24:55 pace of 8:08: Thinking that I would capitilize on a cool and fantabulous morning I headed out at the asscrack of dawn. Yes, it was only 66 degrees but it was also a staggering 98% humidity (yeahhhh. nice.) I was dripping an unreasonable amount of sweat and felt irratated by it. Also I was bombarded by a swarm of angry/insane deer flies who kept biting my bod and drinking all my blood. Effing vampires.

July 14, 4 miles, 34:00 pace of 8:30: UGH, my list of excuses was running rampant. I indulged and made a mental list of my whingings while running my first mile. Reasons why I am feeling like a 100 year old out of shape hippo today: It is very hot again and I'm all sticky and crabby. I don't think I've had enough to drink or eat today. I have only run a mile and the sweat is getting in my eyes. I don't like this song on my ipod and don't feel like changing it. I'm so grumpy that the way by butt is jiggling is really pissing me off! Let's call the whaaaaambulance and whine-one one!
I got over it, but only becasue I could not stand the thought of doing half a run and having to waste the water to wash my sweaty ass clothes that had only had half a workout. Interesting and completely sound logic!
Some days running is hard.

Oh NO! Another RACE!

Crap! Why did I choose to do anther 5K 3 days after that 4Th of July race during one of my busiest work weeks???
Oh yeah, because I'm hardcore. Or crazy.
There were great things about this race: it was 5 minutes away from my house, it was at 7 pm!, it was going to be fun! (?), and it was right next door to an awesome bar! PARTY! Oh AND my Dad, Huz and Best friend were all coming to cheer my slow ass on.
The bad things? Oh, it was 95 degrees, no lie. I was a bit exhausted. I had lots of excuses which I told to shuttup.
I ate my pretzels and ginger, consumed my 6Th bottle of purple Gatorade, took off 98% of my clothing and got ready to start. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the familiar buff physique of ABS. NOOOO! I knew that she was going to try to pull me into her web of lies and make me run the first mile way to fast so I tried to get as far away from her as possible. Unfortunately she is very nice and wanted to talk to me and stuff, like normal people instead of the superwoman that she clearly is. Luckily, I was able to escape before she used her powers to make me forget to run the first mile in 8 minutes.
At the start I was very confused about my new IPod, which I had had pretty good luck with at the 4 miler. I could not figure out where the little button was to change the play list which was very annoying. Right before the gun sounded I came to the bothersome realization that I had the wrong earbuds and that they did not have the controls on them. I was stuck listening to the most sucktastic playlist EVAH. I almost shut it off but remembered how much I hate the sound of my own labored footsteps.
I had an OK start and watched as a lot of people hit their turbo buttons in a way that must have been dreadful for such a horrible hot evening. I watched Abs run away like a muscular gazelle and let her- I had no desire to chase her on this particular day.
I did the first mile in exactly 8 minutes, despite having a very poorly mannered woman invade my space to the point that I felt she was trying to elbow me. I chose to ignore her and move over, only to have her move to my exact location. I was not pleased about this but decided to take the high road and ignore her terrible etiquette. I had a good laugh when just after the first mile she came to a complete halt, never to be seen again. (not true. I saw her on the way back because it was an out-and-back course. She was laboring along terribly, and that is what she deserved.)
I ran in almost complete solitude between miles 1 and 2 and then started to gain on the leaders of the pack,. I run very well downhill so that is what I did, passing a few people on the way (there were about 125 people in this race- so it wasn't as much fun as passing people by the hundreds a few days before! But I'll take it- passing people always fills me with evil joy.) Coming into the last .2 miles I gained on and passed a few guys and saw one more passable person in front of me. "Watch our Mister" I shouted menacingly "I'm gonna get you!" "Uh-Oh" he exclaimed as I smoked his ass. 2 seconds later as I honed in on the finish line I heard him shout out "Don't count your chickens before they hatch, LADY!!" As he gained on me with shocking speed. We both shifted into high gear and had a hysterical race for the finish and GLORY (or a tie for 15Th place.. EPIC!) It was one of the funniest things ever and I loved it, although I most certainly should have beaten him soundly.
I placed 3rd for the ladies (Abs was 2nd, so she won this match!) and I won my age division and got prizes which was cool. Oh, and I finished in 23.33 which I was just fine with since it was 176 degrees out.
I was glad to have my friends there and we all drank beer after and watched the videos of the photo finish that everyone had taken on their phones. It was a damn good time!
And the best part? The photo finish was in the paper, on the cover of the sports section confirming that I have made it into the big time running leagues of greatness. (obviously.)

I wish the 4 mile race was a 0.4 mile race...

I awoke on July 4th with the feeling of butterflies having world war 3 in my stomach. I asked them to please leave as they were terribly distracting and were not allowing me to tap into my calm, inner zen like qualities. Gosh!
The 4 mile race that I was gearing up to run is always huge event, attended by 2,000 people all of whom are in considerably better shape that I. Despite knowing in my heart that last place was inevitable I was quite excited, and (as my nerves calmed) feeling good about the big day.
Once again the weather gods were being bitchy and refusing to give me quality cold rainy weather. The nerve! Sunshine and happiness on America's birthday, BOO! The forecast was calling for record temps and horrible air conditions, all of which are so so pleasant for running in.
I had a very excellent plan for the hours leading up to the race (yes, I got up at 4AM. So what?) I ate a couple granola bars which was pure torture and reminded me of chewing on an old tire. I drove into town and picked up my number and shirt before the masses of tourists descended upon the countryside. I pounded a couple bottles of purple Gatorade in an attempt to pre-hydrate which was also torturous and made me have to pee like a Russian racehorse. Then I ate the glorious combo of pretzels (to carb load) and candied ginger (to calm the cartwheels in my stomach.)
My middleaged Huz dropped me off at race time in the middle of town along with 65,000 other screaming people, busloads of local campers, pomp and circumstance, and hullabaloo. It was all very exciting and I liked it very much. I'm a fan of that sort of chaos, to be entirely honest! The Huz drove away to escape the crowd of insanity and to get his Mom to come and cheer me on to glory, or splendid mediocrity!
While waiting for the race to start I was attacked my a huge chicken mascot who was clearly (to my mascot hating eyes) a rapist. I told him to get lost but he/it would have none of it, forcing me to perform pre-race stretches with him/it and making me cringe with discomfort but be thankful for the crowd (which would surely protect me should the giant chicken try some funny business...)

After much ado, chicken rape, and peeing in the woods we were finally off. I always get nervous in a big huge race with a gun to finish start- especially when I am in the middle of the pack and not close to the front ( I figure that 45 minutes will tick by as I struggle to reach that start.) I reminded myself of my vow to NEVER, EVER bolt to the front again and to stay calm and run like a granny. With this in mind the gun sounded and I was immediately trapped in a sea of slowly surging bodies, all of whom were miles taller that I am and much slower. I resigned myself to the fact that no records would be made in the first mile but that the traffic would demand that I put forth a slow start. (and it DID for an 8.23 first mile. YIKES!)
The course is a very hilly one and while I had never run it before I knew the roads very well. At the top of the worst hill, around mile 1.8 there is a little old shack. I knew that when I passed that I'd be out of the woods (or off the hill, I guess) almost to the halfway mark and free to pick up the pace if I felt like it. I had barely started up the mountain when much to my shock there was the shack! I rubbed my eyes in blatant disbelief (and joy! and the angles sang! and all was well in the world!) I was feeling great, running steadily, starting to pass people and almost half way there.
As the road sloped down towards the 2 mile marker all I could see was a sea of runners stretching out in front of me like (insert corny ocean of doom/ dessert of death/ impossible to conquer concept here.) But really, the people loomed out to the horizon like something that I just did not want to see. Knowing that I was 1/2 way there (at 16:08, making up time!) and having run thru a few refreshing sprinklers I decided to get down to business and pass some people.
That is exactly what I did for the last 2 miles. There is no doubt in my mind that steadily and methodically I passed hundreds of people. I ran calmly and serenely and maintained my composure like a real lady (um, yeah.) As I came into the last .2 miles I was feeling sweaty and glad that the end was near but also feeling well, coherent and not at all like calling 911. Excellent! (somebody snapped a pic of me running the last stretch and I don't lie- I really look like I just stepped out the spa or similar. Totally cool, calm and collected. Hmmm?!)
The finish was a clusterfudge of little a-holes trying to beat each other to the finish. Damn kids! Despite almost getting run over by a bevy of brats I managed to glance at the clock as I ran thru the finish- 31.20 which I was SO pleased with that I jumped up and down and waved my hands in the AIR! (not really, it was too hot.) Since my goal had been to finish in relative good health, in 35 minutes I was pretty darn pleased with my impressive athletic prowess.
My Huz and his Momma were super impressed and mopped off my sweat with a big old towel that they had been smart enough to bring. Then they walked across town with me and put me into the walk in cooler of my sister in law's store which was pure genius and I highly recommend.

I felt great, and was very pleased that the whole plan had worked (and propelled me into the stratosphere of elite running, soon to be world famous! NOT!)
I finished 238Th, 33rd for ladies and 2nd in my age group. I was very. very. very pleased.

The best part? My picture was in the paper the next day. With the rapist chicken! NOOoooOO!!!