Monday, July 8, 2013

The top 7 people who I will NOT allow to beat me in a race!

Since I have used a couple of races as training runs this year I have had some thinking time. I find that a non race pace allows me to think deep, profound thoughts rather then concentrate on my suffering. Apparently, when I have extra time to ponder I do not solve the worlds problems (so much for deep and profound) Rather, I count people as I pass them (rude) or I mull over who I will not accept being beaten by (this is rude too, but fun.)
Since I don't want to end up on GOMI (or do I..?? Hahah no I don't!) I think I'll say this: Y'all know I make more fun of myself than anyone so if this offends you calm down. If you happen to BE one of these people feel free to offer a rebuttal to justify your terrible choices. :-)

OK. Without further ado I offer up for your viewing and reading pleasure:
The top 7 people who I will NOT allow to beat me in a race!!!

WHAT???? I won't let Kara Goucher beat me!!??? 
Well, of course she can/would beat me!  She would kick my ass.
However! Do you see her teeny running knickers? If you wear those to the local Half Marathon and you are NOT Kara Goucher (or another amazing elite athlete) I will not let you beat me. Really ladies, don't do it. If you honestly expect to win the race then I'll cut you slack but if you are a: not going to and b: are not Kara Goucher steer clear. Just say no. This goes for men too. I don't think that would be good at ALL.
One of my twitter friends had a brilliant tweet yesterday saying if she ever became an elite that she would wear her race knickers every day, even to Wal-Mart. I second this statement. (but, being elite is key here!)

If you are running in a costume at a non-costume race you many not pass me.
Yikes. I'm not a fan.
Clearly I am a jerk who hates on all things fun.

This guy (well not actually this guy.)
THIS is the guy who runs the first mile at a 6:00 pace even though all his training runs have been at a 10:00 pace. The race was just too damn exciting and he sped off like a boss!!! Only to DIE at mile 1.1 and look like this when I pass him. Sorry dude!
I am against letting this guy beat me although I applaud his one mile of speed work.

The people at the start who say "I'm using this as a lead up to my mud run"
Or my color run. Or bubble run. Or glitter/confetti/make me barf run. Or obstacle race.
That's awesome guys but you may not beat me.

The dudes (or ladies) running a 5K in a Camlebak.
What? You need to hydrate so badly in a 5K that you tote your backpack along?
I can't accept this. Therefore, I will beat you. And then beat your backpack.

The Damn moose!!!
Except he is fast. And even in that costume has managed to beat me before!
NEVER again you MOOSE!!!!!
(I won't let him beat me in anything longer than a 5K though, so we are even...)

The NUMBER ONE person who will NEVER be allowed to beat me!!!
A man with a tramp stamp.
(although if it was Ted we'd just chat and I'd ask about the mother of his children, duh.)
(but it is impossible to find pics of tramp stamped men. it is a rare find. thank gahd)
But REALLY! At bands on the run there was a dude with a legit tramp stamp. After I stopped laughing I was like, ohhhhh no and I motored by him. I feel that I need a man with a questionably placed tattoo to chime in here because for the life of me I can't figure this one out.

Well that's it for today. Stay tuned this week for more top 10 (ish) lists,  updates on ultra training and pictures of me suffering horribly in the HOT humid weather!


  1. All legit. No need to alert GOMI at all. Unfortunately, I don't think I am fast enough to beat moose guy or costume guy. I do think I can get by camelback guy and tramp stamp guy though.

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  3. Too funny! Although when it's really hot, I wish I had a pair of those tiny knickers!

  4. Those are awesome!! Thanks for the good laugh :) Can't wait to read more top 10 lists.

  5. Many of these people will beat me but the camel bak in a 5k would irritate me the most.

  6. This made me laugh, but most of these types of people (including a category I think you forgot "people running with a chihuahua" that shouldn't beat you) have actually beat me. I'm slow. lol

  7. I hate it when people in a costume run faster than me. I have yet to see a camelback in a 5K. Apparently people in Iowa are semi-smart and realize that looks incredibly stupid and is unnecessary. If you have to hydrate that much in 3 miles you shouldn't be running at all!

  8. Randomly found this searching for something else - this is awesome! :) Although unfortunately, I'm always getting passed by the costumed people. Oh well!

  9. I got passed by a guy in a cage on my first half marathon - was a little disillusioning :D