The top 5 Google searches that brought you to Middleaged Runner

The top 5 Google searches that brought people to my blog thus far, during the month of July.

Brilliant I tell you, Brilliant!!

I must vow to check up on this more often as I find it quite amusing.

"That Damn Butt"

All I can say about this is... "what what??" (but really, WHAT?)

"At mile 20 I wished to puke, at mile 22 I wished to DIE."

Well this is true! UGH!!!

"Peanut butter runner woman"

I am a woman and yet, not made of peanut butter...

"Hairy Armpit"

Obviously not around these parts. Not my thing...

"Are we done, NO are we done?"

HAHA!!! That one is funny. And a good caption for that picture as well.

Maybe I need to make this a monthly topic as I have not been this amused in quite some time.

Ultra Training thus far: OR: What am I THINKING??!

I am pleased to say that for the most part my Ultra training is going quite well. On a side note, i believe that from now until race day I am going to refrain from calling this race an ultra and simply call it a 50K. To me, 50K sounds worse. To most (or so it seems) an ultra needs to be at least 50 miles. I'm doing an ultra-lite, haha! That's enough for me thank you!

Indeed, race training is marching along. Less than 3 weeks to go and I am still sound, sane (for the most part) and thinking that this cycle of ultra training could happily continue into fall marathon season.

Well. I was thinking that until this Sunday's long run of death and horror.

It had to happen. All my long runs have been in 62 degree weather- I kid you NOT! I had a feeling that on the first day that my multi hour run fell on an 85 plus degree day that I was going to eat shit.

I knew it was going to be hot so I pre planned, ate right, got hydrated, set up aid stations and pledged to never even INCH above a 9:30 pace.

The best laid plans.... 

Getting ready. Thank you Eric for this *amazing pic*

How I felt about this particular photo montage. Heehee.

I was a little sad to discover that I did not have ANY of my favorite outfits clean and ready to go..
Oh well... I knew I'd just sweat on and destroy this one anyway!

Being a glamourous weirdo, per the norm... *sigh*

And then... I WAS OFF!!!!!

If this run had finished at 2 hours I would have proclaimed that it was perfect! I ate and hydrated properly (until I ran in to start lap 2.) My legs felt great, my mindset was perfect and I was convinced that I was going to dominate this long run like a boss! Of course, I also noticed that the air was HOT, like hot to even breathe- and there was not a breath of wind. I was sweating so much that I pulled off my tank at mile 13 (my rest stop/lap 2 point) and mopped my face and disgustingly wiped my nose on it. Eww. The good news was that lap one had really gone according to plan: good hydration, good nutrition, good slow as molasses pace.

                                        Running into mile 13 and my turn around for lap 1.
                                             I was shooting for about 23-24 miles. UGH.

This is the point when I think I made a critical error. I had been consistently sipping water and gatorade, and having my normal running snacks. I was feeling like the fricking Sahara desert at this point to I made a terrible choice, chugged about 20 ounces of gatorade and chased it with a hefty dose of water. At this point, I also decided to carry along a water bottle even though doing so drives me crazy, and I had another aid station a few miles away (the choice to carry the h2o is an important detail for later.)

One mile into lap 2 terrible things began to happen. WHO knows why!!! My stomach became disgustingly sloshy with the 20 ounces plus of ill advised hydration slopping around. Very shortly thereafter I began to experience some most unpleasant hiccups which varied between being heinously painful and charmingly vomity. So awful. By the time I was 5 miles away from home I was fairly certain my day was done but tried (and tried, and tried) to shake it off and talk myself thru the tough moments. That is what long distance sports are all about after all.

I carried on in this truly horrible condition for quite some time. I was really ready to man the fuck up and get this run done! I tried to eat (failed) tried to drink more (drank maybe 10 more ounces of my water bottle- again, important detail...)

I think I was due for a horrid long run. THIS WAS IT. It could NOT have been worse.

I stopped counting miles and counted steps. I was rather annoyed because until mile 15 or so I had really been enjoying myself and feeling strong! The weather continues to be hot, humid, airless and stale. I wished I had my phone because by mile 18 I was struggling every step- and for someone who ran 20 2 weeks ago like it was NBD this isn't a great feeling.

At mile 20 I looked up, groggily, to see a large light colored dog running at me, barking ferociously. Over the din I could hear his owner's panicked cries and when I looked at the dog bearing down on my I knew why. I was about to get fucking killed... I had no idea what to do and I knew I didn't stand a chance if he really meant business. Without even thinking (and literally- as I felt his breath ON ME) I squirted my water bottle in his eyes. I was just enough to startle him and he swerved slightly. As he rounded back on me I bashed him in the face with said-super-hero-water-bottle and squirted him again. Bottom line, I can't play the quick thinking tough guy here. If this dog had REALLY wanted to bite me he would have. I was lucky. And scared shitless. And I will ALWAYS carry mace from now on, and I'm not scared to use it!

The owner was quite upset. As she should have been. The dog had been tied but broke his run when he saw me. she openly admitted that he was a dog who is dangerous and unfriendly to passers by but still "a good dog." I'm a dog lover but I'm not quite sure that being that unfriendly is a good trait.

I borrowed her phone and called for rescue. I had had enough of the whole experience!

Done. UGH.

I was pretty destroyed for a couple hours. Lots of complaining about how disgusting I felt.

 If I learned anything from last years summer marathon training (which is debatable since I swore never to do it again- yet here I am...) it was that one horrible long run doesn't affect the outcome of the race. I did wake me up to the need to re-think (AGAIN. again, UGH AGAIN) my hydration on hot days. If it's 60 degrees and raining I have this shiz down to a science but I'm not well practiced this year for the hot temps. With only a couple weeks to go it might not happen.  Since the weather is out of my hands I'm not going to stress, because what can I do? I'm just going to wrap up my final weeks of training and I'll see all of you crazies at the start line. I have no idea what is going to happen on race day (but who does?) Honestly, if it is that hot I might be chugging along in survival mode. Or turn into a spectator at mile 8, HAH!

2.5 weeks to go.... We shall see what happens.

(A quick housekeeping note as well. you can find me on Bloglovin, along with the rest of the blogger world apparently!)

 

The top 7 people who I will NOT allow to beat me in a race!

Since I have used a couple of races as training runs this year I have had some thinking time. I find that a non race pace allows me to think deep, profound thoughts rather then concentrate on my suffering. Apparently, when I have extra time to ponder I do not solve the worlds problems (so much for deep and profound) Rather, I count people as I pass them (rude) or I mull over who I will not accept being beaten by (this is rude too, but fun.)
Since I don't want to end up on GOMI (or do I..?? Hahah no I don't!) I think I'll say this: Y'all know I make more fun of myself than anyone so if this offends you calm down. If you happen to BE one of these people feel free to offer a rebuttal to justify your terrible choices. :-)

OK. Without further ado I offer up for your viewing and reading pleasure:
The top 7 people who I will NOT allow to beat me in a race!!!

WHAT???? I won't let Kara Goucher beat me!!??? 
Well, of course she can/would beat me!  She would kick my ass.
However! Do you see her teeny running knickers? If you wear those to the local Half Marathon and you are NOT Kara Goucher (or another amazing elite athlete) I will not let you beat me. Really ladies, don't do it. If you honestly expect to win the race then I'll cut you slack but if you are a: not going to and b: are not Kara Goucher steer clear. Just say no. This goes for men too. I don't think that would be good at ALL.
One of my twitter friends had a brilliant tweet yesterday saying if she ever became an elite that she would wear her race knickers every day, even to Wal-Mart. I second this statement. (but, being elite is key here!)

If you are running in a costume at a non-costume race you many not pass me.
Yikes. I'm not a fan.
Clearly I am a jerk who hates on all things fun.

This guy (well not actually this guy.)
THIS is the guy who runs the first mile at a 6:00 pace even though all his training runs have been at a 10:00 pace. The race was just too damn exciting and he sped off like a boss!!! Only to DIE at mile 1.1 and look like this when I pass him. Sorry dude!
I am against letting this guy beat me although I applaud his one mile of speed work.

The people at the start who say "I'm using this as a lead up to my mud run"
Or my color run. Or bubble run. Or glitter/confetti/make me barf run. Or obstacle race.
That's awesome guys but you may not beat me.

The dudes (or ladies) running a 5K in a Camlebak.
What? You need to hydrate so badly in a 5K that you tote your backpack along?
I can't accept this. Therefore, I will beat you. And then beat your backpack.

 

The Damn moose!!!
Except he is fast. And even in that costume has managed to beat me before!
NEVER again you MOOSE!!!!!
(I won't let him beat me in anything longer than a 5K though, so we are even...)

The NUMBER ONE person who will NEVER be allowed to beat me!!!
A man with a tramp stamp.
(although if it was Ted we'd just chat and I'd ask about the mother of his children, duh.)
(but it is impossible to find pics of tramp stamped men. it is a rare find. thank gahd)
But REALLY! At bands on the run there was a dude with a legit tramp stamp. After I stopped laughing I was like, ohhhhh no and I motored by him. I feel that I need a man with a questionably placed tattoo to chime in here because for the life of me I can't figure this one out.

Well that's it for today. Stay tuned this week for more top 10 (ish) lists,  updates on ultra training and pictures of me suffering horribly in the HOT humid weather!

 

Bridgton 4 on the 4th... Another HOT HUMID HILLY DAY!

Yesterday was my triumphant return to short-distance-balls-to-the-walls racing after what....? 9 months of swearing off anything shorter than 10 miles? Yikes!

 

As I might have mentioned once or twice I am currently training for distance NOT speed AT ALL. I actually sat down pre race and tried to figure out what was a reasonable expectation of a finishing time (as much as I was talking smack about defending my top 5 finish from last year I knew this would NOT be the case!) I looked at my recent track performances (slow), considered my fitness (high) reviewed the weather (HOT, after a week of COLD) and my level of desire to woman up and win it all (high per the norm but totally unjustified!) These factors made me think that if I woke up with a legit need for speed I could probably manage a 7:40 pace. The 4 on the 4th is up a ridiculous mountain, after all...

(and yes. seeing that I was going to be running 4 minutes slower than last year made me puke a little in my mouth. but this was never scheduled to be my A race, duh...)

 

 

Me in my Mizunos. Kate looking fancy! Angie's first post baby race!!

 

We got there and it was 80 degrees an hour before the race started and 87% humidity. I said goodbye to everyone, got in the car, turned on the AC and went home. Screw racing! It was 62 and cloudy the last time I had a serious run (the day before...)

UGH. I kid! I kid!

I ran a few warm up miles and basically had to change all my clothing because I was soaked thru. Not, perhaps, the best omen...

I knew going out with the speedsters would be dumb. Especially since at this race EVERYONE seems to think that running the first mile at a sub 7 pace is brilliant, then you see the dead/puking/prone bodies at mile 1.2 and know this was not a good idea. So I went out easy. Mile one was completed in 7:15 which is a full minute plus than the blazing first mile I ran last year but as I climbed Mt Everest going towards the 2 mile point I knew my slow start was wise. Per the norm, people were out of gas.

With the exception of the agonistic pain and suffering that is the norm with a short race this was fairly uneventful for me. I maintained a very steady pace. My legs never got tired although I considered the possibility of a major cardiac event as the hill and my epic and unusual *ahem* speed kicked my trash. I knew it wasn't a PR/Top 10/AG win day but I was still determined to finish in a respectable time. Anything sub 30 was going to make me very happy! I sweated a truly amazing amount but did not puke, crap my pants or quit running on the roadside. As far as my "good day goal" of a sub 30:00 I knew it was going to be very close!

I JUST pulled it off. 29:28. I'll take it.

It was HOT as SHIT.

I snagged 4th in my AG and 19th overall woman.
A totally decent effort and quite acceptable considering my current sprinting fitness!
Which is NADA. Nothing. No 5K PR in my future this year (thank heavens, hahah!)

Somehow we missed Eric's finish.
But saw Kate make a big push to the end! She was easy to spot in those bright shoes.

Me: "EWWWW when we touch our sweat mingles and we slither!"

So Eric was 100% disgusted with his *lamentable* finishing time. He might have quit racing... Ridiculous person! I never quit racing after a tough/hilly/humid/sunny/gross race, pshhhhh!

Kate was happy to be done. They were both really sweaty and gross and since I was cool, dry and smelling of flowers and freshly showered armpits I found them quite offensive! GAHD!

 

We found Angie who had kicked her first post baby race in the teeth! Sue (who we dragged out, kicking and screaming) had a good race too, especially since non-training is kind of her jam lately. I think that is the way to go, summer running is gross! (but she's joining the Smuttynose marathon/half marathon gang this fall so this was step one in an amazing training cycle for her! yayyyyy!)  

We ate watermelon. Drank ALL the Gatorade. Talked about what a terrible, terrible idea racing is. Signed up for next year. (normal stuff.)

Then we went our separate ways to celebrate AMERICA. F**K YEAH!

The whole gang!
Good job kids!!!

June Recap

Before I wax poetic about June 2013 I want to reflect for a moment about where I was a year ago.  

So yeah, I had a 202 mile month in June of 2012. I also ran every single one of those 202 miles on such a badly injured leg that I could not walk normally, go down stairs, or (honestly) remember what pain free running felt like. I was about to start the count down to my first marathon and was scared to death that one missed workout would spell certain doom. I still am not sure how the hell I got it done, but I did (and then had to essentially the the entire month of August off. Yeah that was awesome!)

Two major changes in the last year.

-I have a fantastic coach who has kept me fantastically healthy. Clearly I could not do that myself. I don't want to say it out loud but I have not had ANY problems since I began to follow her plan and that is not my norm (my norm is awesome, but chronically injured awesome which basically equals terrible...) 

-A year ago I was very new to long runs. I was under the assumption that they should feel good (and thus, was quite shattered when many were rather awful.) Bottom line: long runs should NOT hurt because you are suffering from a grievous injury. But shit- they DO hurt. Physically, mentally you name it. They can suck hairy ball sacks. Getting a good long run in is awesome but often concerns me because I fear that I have blown my load too early. I'd rather suffer in training and save the good stuff for race day! 

Moving on... 

Race # 1 in June: Quassy! REALLY HOT REALLY BADASS AND FUN.

Number of races run: 2

Number of PR's- HAH. haha. HAH! ZERO homies, ZERO. I did set a 2013 Half PR in (for me) a rather abysmal 1:49 and change. It was a training run, that's my excuse and I'm gonna stick to it!

(and yes, this has me itching to actually "run" a half as I consider this to be one of my better distances. However, it isn't in the cards for this year...)

Number of times I puked on my shoes: Z-E-R-O

Running miles- 155

Cycling miles: 177 plus an hour on the god-damn-useless-torture-trainer

Core: FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL

Times running gave me an adult tantrum: 1 (more on this later...)

Longest run: 20 miles

Number of failed track workouts due to Reginald Doodie: ONE. He is such a shit. Haha get it? 

Number of times I quit running/being an athlete/all the things: 1 (and once again, it didn't take,. I quit then promptly ran 17 like an effing boss.)

Number of times I wore a sundress and compression socks to family dinner: 1
But if I could get away with it this would be my go to outfit.
I'm so hot. It's ok to be jealous.

Take away message for June of 2013: While I might not have the running mileage of 2012 I have more actual hours of working out in the bank. I feel good. The plan we are following for this ultra might be a little left of center but have you met me? So am I. I have complete confidence that the work I'm doing is going to get me to the finish of my longest race to date. 

Other fun facts? I'm focusing my efforts this year on distance vs speed. Last year I did both (train for a marathon! PR in a 5K every week! F**K my legs royally! Cry for my Mom!) I have the 4 on the 4th in the schedule next week and I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I am not going to be able to run as fast as last year. One side of my brain is like "dude, that sucks!" But the logical side of my brain says "you have been training for a freaking 50K. Don't be a hero. Run 8:30's and be cool with it... drink a beer!"So with a pretty huge training week in store we will see what my sprint to non-victory brings. But dudes really? I'm just excited to have a day off in the middle of the week.